Becoming Israel

It’s 5:30 in the morning, but on other nights it’s been three, or four in the morning and I wake up reviewing my life, not as a matter of conscious choice, but as if my soul was already in the act and at the time of waking I am merely becoming aware of what was already in motion. On this morning as I mash upon and turn over the events of my life, as I jump from one image to another, looking at what I was striving for and what was driving me, it seems that all my life I have been fighting God for what he passionately wanted to give me. I wanted love and dignity, value and significance, and for some profoundly stupid reason I wanted to earn these things. I wanted to wear my deeds like a merit badge that I could sew on some kind of life sash across my chest. I have been stupid, and I am tired, perhaps tired like Jacob wrestling with the angel and I feel seconds away from having my thigh dislocated and becoming Israel.


Blessed Father, May the dislocation come to pass that I may lean hard upon the staff you have given me.

2 Responses to “Becoming Israel”

  1. Rachel  


  2. K.L.B.  

    Here come the hard words. And you know me somewhat – I bark louder than I bite… if I bite at all (only gently) – give it up.

    Yeah… Quit.

    Just be you. Enjoy YOU.

    You will NEVER “earn” one damn thing. Take what you have, and run. T
    Run like Hell. Run like the wind. Just go. Do what pleases you. Do what’s in your heart. Satisfy your mind. Get over yourself. Be who you are, not who you wanna’ be.