On Cultic Practices and Missing Keys

Today, my coworker, Melinda, who momentarily lost her keys, asked the following question: “Why do keys always disappear?”. Before I knew it, my brain discerned the following answer:

Our world coexists with another world, a parallel universe that overlaps but does not, except on rare occasions, interact with ours. The people of this other world use keys (which they call jangly-noumuns) as part of the cultic practices of their various religions, and so keys are in high demand. Led by a prankster daemon who superintends both realms of existence, the people of this other dimension have found a way to cross the threshold and obtain the nearest set of keys in our plane of existence.

The crossing requires them to find someone with a bad case of dandruff and shake that person�s head vigorously until they have collected about a nirm of dandruff (which in our measuring system equals about a gram). After this they add the nirm of dandruff to a flab (approximately a teaspoon) of plantentia oil (a flower similar to our rose), mix it thoroughly and then burn it using a sacred candle, which is formed from the wax of bees (yes, they have bees on this other plane of existence). While burning this solution the people of this other plane then need to sing the following words, “ogau too gah lohmanee, lohmanee, lohmanee, ogau too gah lohmanee lohmah nohmah noo”, to an ancient tune the melody of which is very similar to “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. After the last word has been uttered and the sound of the last note fades, the singer who has sung the song best is enabled to reach out his or her hand into our universe and lay hold of the nearest set of keys.

Once the stolen keys have been used in their cultic practices, the person who took the keys is usually courteous enough to return them to a spot within a donty sparn (twenty foot) radius of where the keys were initially obtained. Unfortunately, however, the person who is supposed to return the keys occasionally gets distracted and forgets to return them all together.

This is the reason why our keys disappear, or why they are discovered in a spot other than where we thought we left them, or why they are occasionally never found.

4 Responses to “On Cultic Practices and Missing Keys”

  1. Roger Green  

    Exactly what I was going to say.

  2. Simon Jones  

    So where do all our socks go?

  3. Anthony Velez  

    Sometimes, Simon, things just get lost.

  4. Roger Green  

    Well, yeah, when they are permanently lost. Then there are those things – they once were lost, but now are found – THOSE are the mystical ones.