Today, as I searched for texts for the class I came across and purchased an interesting little tome titled, The Pig that Wants to Be Eaten: 100 Experiments for the Armchair Philosopher, which I plan on using periodically as a heuristic tool to stimulate philosophical discussions. In short this book draws upon the Western Philosophical tradition to present small philosophical puzzles that touch upon abstract philosophical ideas in concrete narrative terms.

Since I have no qualms about extending the walls of my classroom, I thought I would share one of these thought experiments with you to see what responses I can generate among my readers. So, without further ado, I give you the following:

Like many people who had been married for several years, Dick was bored with his relationship. There was no passion these days. In fact, Dick and his wife harldy slept together at all. However, Dick had no intention whatsoever of leaving his wife. He loved her and she was an excellent mother to their children.

He knew full well that the usual solution to this problem was: have an affair. You simply accept that your wife satisfies some of your needs and your mistress others. But Dick really didn’t want to go behind his wife’s back, and he also knew that she could not deal with an open relationship, even if he could.

So, when Dick heard about Byte on the Side Inc. (Even better than the real thing!), he had to take it seriously. What the company offered was the opportunity to conduct a virtual affair. Not one-handed cyber sex with a real person at the other end of the computer connection, but a virtual reality environment in which you “slept with” a completely simulated person. It would feel just like real sex, but, in fact, all your experiences would be caused by computers stimulating your brain to make it seem to you as though you were having sex. All the thrills of an affair, but with no third person, and hence no real infidelity. Why should he say no?

So, what do you think?

*******

A couple of days ago I browsed the back section of the latest issue of Men’s Health. I admit that this was not the wisest move given that this section is the red light district of these magazines: an area full of sexually explicit ads about sexually related stuff. I can honestly say that I was not looking to cast my eyes upon some skin, but rather I was drawn by a morbid curiosity to see how lowbrow and twisted the circus of worldly sexuality can be. One ad I spotted was for a product called “Vahard,” which prompted a mildly amused smile, along with a feeling of superiority as I easily discerned the ad’s obvious ploy to prey upon my masculine insecurities. This ad had a picture of a couple taken from an overhead perspective that gave the reader a sense of being the mirror above their bed. The couple is embracing one another on silk sheets, obviously moving toward coitus, and we know that this man is ready because he takes “Vahard!” As I continued to ponder this ad, I couldn’t help but analyze the thinly veiled sexual allusion of this product’s name: “Va” combined with “hard”. The associations and connotations began to flow. “Va” for vagina, and “hard” for the virile and aroused male member, which evoked a subtext of, “Oh yeah baby, you are going to hit that and you are going to hit it hard!” Then I thought about the fact that this is supposedly a natural alternative to Viagra, so now, I am seeing a reference to a drug that is the “sacred grail” of male performance. Finally, I thought of Valhalla, the heaven-like destiny of heroic warriors in Norse mythology, and in my mind a connection was forged between Thor’s hammer and the male member. This was a potent connection as I remember from my youth that Thor was able to strike the ground with his hammer and create an earthquake, which is exactly the kind of impact many males would love to have upon their ladies. We imagine her under the rhythm of our embrace crying out in ecstasy and then declaring, “Oh baby, the earth moves, and the ground shakes when we make love.” As I continued to look at the other ads of this sort, stoking the embers of my supposed superiority, I realized that no matter how much I tried to neutralize it effects through analysis, on some level I am not impervious to its attacks upon my sense of masculine competency.

Women should not be enlightened or educated in any way. They should in fact be segregated as they are the cause of hideous and involuntary erections in holy men.

What I particularly like about Augustine is that he is a fantastic example of how an exemplar of faith is not exempt from blindness. Regarding so many matters about the Xian life he is a master and a profound source of inspiration, but when it comes to his thinking about women and sex, it appears that vestiges from his time as a Manichean remained.

So, here is a challenge for you. The next time you have a theological discussion try working the phrase “involuntary erection of holy men.” into it. The challenge, of course, is to do so in a way that it connects with the content of the conversation and it flows with the point you are making. You don’t want to perpetrate a non-sequitur such as, “Yes, genuine discipleship requires critical engagement with the world while engaging in the full life of the Church, and thus avoiding the involuntary erection of holy men.” Kudos to you if you are able to use this phrase so that it flies under radar.

I have to finish by giving the young lady who used this quote in her research paper two thumbs way up. I mean, it is not often that I can be so entertained while reading student papers.