Dear Sir or Madame,

Soon you will have the opportunity to provide for the spiritual nurture of your young consumers by making available The Heroes of the Faith trading card collection. That’ right Jesus and his disciples are taking over the trading card industry by storm, and they’re not going to stop until the cards have been sold to every young soul.

Every card features a high gloss artistic rendering of what each hero looked like based upon the best research available to Biblical and historical scholars. Printed on the back of each card is a brief biography, as well as lifetime stats for the following categories: Missionary Power, Moral Power, and Miracle Power. The stats for each category is derived from a formula that assesses that hero’ accomplishments in building God’ Kingdom and assigns it a value according to a criteria revealed to a panel of Spirit filled men. The three numbers are also averaged to give an overall score for that particular Hero of the Faith. This number is then printed in the lower right hand corner of the card to give its owner an sense of the magnitude of the hero whose card they own.

The amount of times each card will be printed for each hero will be in reciprocal proportion to the magnitude of that particular hero. Thus heroes like the Apostle Paul will be much rarer and consequently more valuable than some lesser known hero like Thomas A’Kempis or Julian of Norwich. Also, to help increase the possibility for demand, special limited editions will be periodically issued with each having their own theme. Among the themes soon to be released are:

-Heros who were once thought to be Heretics
-Prostitutes who have now given their body to the Lord
-From moral wretches to moral wonders
-Catholics who were practically Protestant
-Intellectuals who actually loved Jesus

Imagine the hours of enjoyment your customers will have as they purchase and trade cards to develop their own collection. And, imagine the eternal reward you will receive on the day of reckoning when God makes clear what you deserve for taking advantage of this opportunity to build up his Kingdom.

Yesterday Wallmart announced the inauguration of its “Cruisin Carts” program. The company had long resigned itself to the fact that the appropriation of shopping carts by the homeless was inevitable. Not wanting, however, to remain victim to this phenomenon, and looking for ways to create opportunity, their marketing department has come up with a program that provides, “mutual benefit for both the company and for the homeless.” As one young executive was noted to say, “I believe we have created something that truly captures the spirit of wise self-interest.”

In this program Wallmart will be giving shopping carts to people who are able to prove non-residency. The proof of non-residency is as yet unspecified, though there has been talk in upper management of using negative body odor as a criterion to be used in conjunction with a general appearance of unkemptness. The shopping carts that the homeless will be issued are generous in size (approaching Cost-Co proportions), made of a sturdy, all-weather plastic, with a galvanized metal frame, and will have signboards on them that will advertise Wallmart’ latest sales. This, according to Wallmart executives, is to allow their faithful patrons to keep up with, “the latest and greatest that Wallmart has to offer.”

Under the umbrella of this program, will be an incentive program for its participants. The incentives are to encourage the homeless to travel through out their cities to increase the visibility of their advertisements. It is also to encourage the partakers of this program to return once a month to Wallmart so that the signs on the carts can be replaced and updated. Among the incentives will be give-aways, coupons, and discounts for Wallmart merchandise, as well as for the various fast-food restaurants hosted in Wallmart. The incentives will be based upon performance, which is determined by the number of miles traveled by its participants. This will be monitored by odometers that will be mounted on the shopping carts.

Response to this program by the general public has been diverse, but on the whole positive. As one lady, Adie-Lou Smith, has stated, “I think it’ great that [Wallmart] has created a program that gives the homeless something useful to do, while at the same time providing some benefit for us consumers.”