Bureau of Emotional Retardation
201 Independence Avenue
Washington, DC 20540
Dear Mister Velez,
As you know we have been conducting a decade long campaign to identify the most emotionally retarded individuals according to age category, with each age category being grouped by five year spans beginning with 20-25 year olds, and working consecutively to the final grouping of those who fall between the ages of 95-100 years. You, Mister Velez, are our final candidate for the 40-45 year-old category.
Upon receiving this news, you no doubt felt quite angry and probably already have cursed a few times, but lest you be tempted to employ some kind of infantile defense mechanism to deny the validity of our findings, know that our methodology for identifying emotional retardation is sound and unassailable. We have government satellites that employ a diversity of neuroimaging technologies (i.e. MRI, Electroencephalography) upon anyone we choose. Our choice to monitor a person is motivated by audio-visual monitoring technologies which allows us to identify people in society who exhibit stereotypical signs of emotional retardation: losing your temper in a manner not equal to the circumstances that evoked your anger, withdrawal from interpersonally challenging circumstances, consistent self preoccupation, playing air guitar in your underwear while blaring rock music at ear splitting decibels, spending time surfing the net and employing social media in a manner commensurable to a teenager, procrastination and lack of overall discipline. We think you get the picture. Once we have a person selected, we use our neuroimaging technologies to monitor brain development, as well as brain functioning throughout a wide variety of activities, over a statistically significant period of time. The combined results of all this data gathering allows us to get an accurate picture of a person’s emotional development and maturity.
Regarding your results, though you are biologically in your early 40s, emotionally you typically plot somewhere between that of an 8-17 year old, with your emotional mean clocking in at 14 years of age.
If you have any questions about our selection criteria, or the results of our findings, or if you just want to issue a complaint (which wouldn’t surprise us in the least) we can be reached at the above address.
In closing we want to wish you well, as well as the will to grow up, at least just a little. If you would like some help with this matter, let us know and we will have someone from the Department for Well Adjusted Citizens contact you.
John Rees Thompson
(Age 47 – Emotional Age 47)