A Personal Paradox
Obviously, it has been awhile since I have written on my blog. The reason is partly circumstantial and partly motivational. To break this period of silence I thought I would share what seems to me a personal paradox. I have been obsessed with my heart for the past twenty odd years of my life, and for the past twenty odd years I have been avoiding my heart. I realize that saying this is somewhat provocative, but I ask for the pardon and prayers of those who read my blog. I need to time to process, and I need to discern what is appropriate to share in this context.
Wrote the following comment on May 10th, 2010 at 1:14 pm #
Know what’cha mean… know what’cha mean.
However, who really cares?
I’ve wondered about that too, and found that genuinely, it leads nowhere. So, I’ve written from my heart. I do, however, maintain some degree of anonymity, because, while I do respond to those whom reply to a post 99.9% of the time, I have some mild fear – yes, fear – that my level of personal honesty (also sometimes called public disclosure) may not be appropriately ascertained by those with an understanding, or compassionate heart.
Take, as an example, a blogger whose confession was of bed-wetting into adulthood, or of personal moral failure – sin, by any other name.
While I have read some online entries in forums of one’s confession of sin – it is a healthy thing to do, “Therefore confess your sins one to another…” James 5:16 – it was in a like-mannered forum, and yet fully available to all to read or comment upon.
It was, honesty in its most naked form – the confession of personal sin.
What shall we make of that?
Haven’t we all sinned and fallen short of His glory?
For me, I have learned (and am continuing to learn) that the only power shame has over me, is that which I give it. And I have decided to render it utterly powerless in my life.
I think of the sins of others, in this context, and it is the secrecy, the denial, the outright lies that harm and continue to do so. When the light of righteousness shines upon our heart, the darkness of sin flees.
But now, Anthony… stop obsessing.
Start living.
I love you, brother.
Wrote the following comment on May 10th, 2010 at 2:45 pm #
Kevin – I am not sure how to respond to your response. I appreciate the problem of self-obsession, and so I appreciate you wanting to give me the “snap out of it man,” but on the other side of the spectrum is what spiritual writers refer to as acedia, which is a kind of personal spiritual neglect, and I have been to some degree both obsessive and neglectful. The main thing I was getting at in the above post is a profound lack of trust in God that’s all jumbled up in a skein of fear, resistance and anger.
Wrote the following comment on May 10th, 2010 at 9:00 pm #
Well now… you know, I trust, that I particularly enjoy etymology. No, not bugs – though they can be fascinating, to which we are encouraged in Scripture to observe.
But I’m referring to the origin and derivation of words.
Self Obsession, to which you confess, is corollary with acedia – at least as far as I can discern.
Here’s a brief etymology on obsess: c.1500, “to besiege,” from L. obsessus, pp. of obsidere “besiege, occupy,” lit. “sit opposite to,” from ob “against” + sedere “sit.” Of evil spirits, “to haunt,” is from 1530s.
It would seem reasonable, therefore, that you’re not dealing with the Holy Spirit, but one that is not, and therefore from the great deceiver, the father of lies.
At its core is Selfish versus Selfless.
Self centered, versus others centered.
The unholy trinity… I, me, my – not we, us and our.
Ever try to get a piece of cracked egg shell out of the albumen (white) before it’s scrambled?
Kinda’ tricky, isn’t it?
However, if a toothpick or other pointed object is used, the egg shell doesn’t move away, and is easily removed.
“For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.”
What consideration have you given to NOT being “spiritual,” and rather, being material, or even real?
Remember the story of the Velveteen Rabbit?
The little Rabbit was taken to be thrown away, and while lying in his lonesomeness, the nursery magic Fairy came to make the little Rabbit Real. The little Rabbit thought he was real – and was, but to the boy alone. Now, he would be real to every one, and became “a Real Rabbit at last, at home with the other rabbits.” One day, as time passed, the little boy became well, and when Spring was warming the days, the little boy came out, and saw two rabbits that peeped at him where he was playing. The little Boy thought to himself: “”Why, he looks just like my old Bunny that was lost when I had scarlet fever!” But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real.”
It is in our own time of need – often seen as sickness – that we assist others, however unbeknownst to us.
Wrote the following comment on May 11th, 2010 at 6:36 am #
Pardon not needed.
Prayers always welcome.
Just trust your heart to write the right thing, but to some degree, it’s trial and error, like much of life.